As you might have noticed by now, I haven’t been blogging much the last couple of months. (Ok, not at all.) I’ve been in a weird place . . . a little lost. Frozen.
I feel like I’ve been living between chapters.
The previous chapter of my life told the story of me living in my sweet little home of almost 13 years. I loved it there. We raised our children in that home; had family get-together’s, fought, laughed, cried, killed bugs – you know, normal family stuff.
Until it was time to move on.
My husband and I had talked about relocating to a different area of the county for some time. Quite frankly, I kept putting it off. It wasn’t that I couldn’t appreciate a new home; I just happened to be very happy where I was. I was content with my life.
Nevertheless, the time was right so we decided to buy a house and sell our beloved old one – never in a million years thinking we would begin going through the trial that we did . . .
- We bought a house we believed was supposed to be our new home. So, we sold our house.
- We packed up our house (no small feat) and prepared to move.
- Our existing home started falling apart right before our eyes – and the home inspectors eyes too. It was a joyous time.
- We fixed all of the problems of our existing home so the new owners could enjoy nice, new things.
- In the meantime, we waited for our loan to go through so we could buy our new home. We waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . (you get the picture.)
- After a very long time of what felt like a thousand days, we found out our loan was denied. And, to top it all off, for reasons that didn’t exist. We were confused. And a tad angry.
- We then had to be out of our house with nowhere to go.
- In the meantime, God told us to press through. “Persevere” was the word that kept coming to mind. So, we did. Tears included.
- And moved in with Mom and Dad. (Our saving grace.)
- After what seemed like endless weeks of pressing through the submission of ungodly amounts of paperwork that we had already submitted at least several times before, the loan eventually went through.
- And we got the house. And will soon be beginning a brand new chapter in our lives.
During those weeks, however, when we had no loan, no house, no direction, no clear future, no king-size bed, I felt stuck – like I was living between chapters – having just ended the old one but without starting a new.
I became busy but unproductive. Chaotic inside but numb. I stopped writing. I had taken a leave from school. I even stopped reading my Bible every day (something I do, not out of legalism, but because it really does fill me up and change me). I felt lost in no-man’s-land. I hate that place.
Since then, I’ve been thinking. There are a few other areas of my life where I feel like I’ve been living in no-man’s-land – like the writing of my book, and wondering if I’m ever going to have a clear, focused purpose for my life. I keep waiting. And waiting.
And I wonder if living between chapters in these other areas over the last few years has, on some level, kept me busy but unproductive, chaotic but numb; inadvertently keeping me stuck because I’m always waiting for a new chapter to magically start on its own.
But I think I’ve had an epiphany. I think I’m starting to get that, if I want to begin a new chapter in my life, I must simply begin writing it. No matter where I’m at in my book. Duh.
Maybe you, too, feel like you’ve been living between chapters . . . in between relationships . . . in between longings. How long has it lasted? Weeks? Months? Years? I wonder what your story is; I wonder if I’m not so alone in this.
I wonder if you, like me, must simply begin writing it; exploring what it might look like, daring to brainstorm. If so, I hope you pick up your “pen,” whatever that might look like, and get to writing that next chapter; I know am. I can’t wait to fill you in on what’s going on in the next chapter of my life – and look forward to writing many new chapters alongside you.