Letting go

SBennettI was going to write a different kind of blog today. You know, a hopeful one with a fluffy, positive ending. (Did I just use the word fluffy??) You catch my drift.

Problem is, I’m not there. I haven’t experienced that kind of ending yet. So basically, it would have been a lie. Good thing I caught myself.

Truth is, I’m still in the middle of no-man’s-land – caught somewhere between all of the stuff I used to do ‘back then’ and whatever might be for me in the future.

The stuff ‘back then’ that I’m referring to? It’s all of the things I just recently let it go of…

The singing at church.
The worship leading.
The lay counseling.
The speaking.
The mentoring.
The book writing.

Done.

I let it all go. I can’t explain why – other than a clear pulling and directing of God to lay everything down for now. Even though it hurts like you-know-what.

I’ve never been here before – in no-man’s land. It’s very strange. I’ve always been a planner and a dreamer; and, with God’s help, have always made things happen. And although there is nothing wrong with this in and of itself, it can also be a trap. For people like me who perpetually plan, do, go for things, and make things come to fruition, they can get sucked into always looking into the future. They can use it as an excuse to not live in the moment.

They often never learn how to just “be.”

So perhaps I’m supposed to let it all go so I can finally learn how to really live. And be more mindful of all of beautiful life around me. (I’m already doing things I would have been too busy to do before.) Or maybe God has stripped everything away so that my faith will be strengthened. Or perhaps He’s doing a bit more character refining. (Yahoo.)

All of these are very good reasons. But to be honest, I’m scared. Because I wonder if there’s another reason why God is allowing this. I wonder…

Is God done with me? Did He never have plans for me in the first place? Have I been fooling myself, thinking I was going to do something far more than I am?

Those thoughts foster all kinds of unlovely feelings, let me tell you. Thankfully, I happen to have the best family on the planet. My cousin called me the other night out of concern at midnight his time and, amongst many other wise and encouraging things, slipped in one little sentence I don’t think I’ll ever forget:

God hasn’t put you out to pasture yet.cowbell

And then he sent me a “no cowbell” sign so I could stick it on my mirror to remind myself. I smiled. And then told him as long as he doesn’t call me a cow we’re cool.

I’m going to hang onto that, along with all of the other wise things he said and Scriptures he gave me. (And maybe start collecting cowbells.) God hasn’t put me out to pasture yet.

Even so, I don’t know what God has next for me or what He might resurrect.

But I do know that I want to trust Him no matter what. It’s easy to trust when things are going our way.

I don’t know when any of that might happen.

But I do know that I want to trust Him no matter what. It’s easy to trust when things are going our way.

I don’t even know if He has anything for me next.

But I do know that I want to trust Him no matter what. It’s easy to trust when things are going our way.

If you’ve been wondering why I’m not up on stage anymore, now you know. If you’re traveling through no-man’s-land like me, I hope this serves to let you know that you’re not alone. (Maybe you can start collecting cowbell’s too.) If you’re the praying type, you can pray for me. Not that God will reveal some “thing” He has for me to do. Not that I’ll necessarily sing again, write, or speak again. But that I’ll trust Him. Even when things aren’t going my way. Because in the end,

I’d rather be the right kind of person, than do the most awesome kind of thing.

Thanks, my friend. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving. :)

 

10 thoughts on “Letting go

  1. Debi

    Thanks for sharing that very vulnerable space you are in.

    I TOTALLY get it. Maybe it’s our age or place we are in at this time in our lives. Not sure. But I do know when I hear God tell me those big “to dos” like “close your blog down and take it off of auto-renewal,” I obey. Maybe you don’t know yet the whys to those kind of directives we get; but I as you, more than anything we love, believe and trust our God and all His wisdom and the knowledge He has for us.

    I’ve found in this last year or more that to be in Gods will is THE most important thing. And His will is that we trust Him and live a life of thanksgiving for whatever He brings our way! And that ultimately that will bring us the joy we need to feel from all the listening and obeying, waiting and being still in His Presence.

    I wish you a blessed, happy and joy filled future my friend. Love to you all🤗

    Reply
  2. Linda Finkenbinder

    Cosi, You have been doing so many things with your talents. Maybe God wants to show what He wants to do and can do with your trust in Him. I am curious about them as you are of the future. Your Grandpa always said that if we are right with God today we are in His will. I know He has a special plan and you are walking in it today. Just do each day as He directs.

    I love you so very much. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

    Grandma

    Reply
  3. Jill

    Sometimes I think it is much more important to be a human be-ing than a human do-ing. That is why we are called human beings. I don’t believe God is an all or nothing Being. But we sure are! I think God is a yes or not right now Being. Enjoy your down time. The stage will always be there for you when you are ready. You just had a birthday and you are now at a vunerable age where your head and emotions will tell you all sorts of things. Right now maybe God doesn’t need you to write a book. Maybe he needs you to be with your precious grandbaby or be there for your husband and family full time. Who knows? God does. That is pretty cool. I love you!

    Reply

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